metamorphose

Treatment

I’m so sorry it’s been so long. I’m still here. I’m okay (or I will be). I’ll be at the airport soon and flying to Chicago. I’m going back to TK, admitting tomorrow morning. I didn’t think I’d ever be back but I’m so grateful I’m going. I’m really really hoping to make this the very last time.

I spent the last week at Remuda Ranch in Arizona. I’d heard wonderful things about it but apparently it’s gone through a lot of changes in the past year or so, resulting in understaffing (as in one counselor and a nurse per shift usually) and little if no structure or meal support from staff. Thank God the other girls there were so supportive and lovely. I miss them. I really think this is the best decision though. I need more than what Remuda can offer at this point.

I’m pretty nervous. Pretty ashamed too. Partly that I’m going back in this condition. Partly that I gained a bit at Remuda and feel so bloated and disgusting from food and rehydration that I don’t think I even look the part, as distorted as that is. I’m so nervous of what the staff will think, whoever is still there that I know. I feel like such a huge disappointment and failure… And very anxious to see how the program is now, as it’s been two years and things always inevitably change. But it will be okay, I know. TK is the only place that had truly helped me all this time. And hopefully this will be the last time I ever have to go into treatment.

I should stop writing now as we’re almost at the airport.

I want to even further destroy myself for all the indescribable pain I’ve put everyone I love through. It’s fine to put myself through this but to force them all to watch me disappear over and over and over again, that’s the absolute worst. I know it’s not the answer but I can’t forgive myself for all the misery I’ve created over the past several years.

January 1st, 2012!!

Day.. nine in the hospital. I’m HOPEFULLY leaving tomorrow. The doctors weren’t exactly all on the same page, I guess. Not very surprising since I’ve gotten mixed messages from the start. I still have the NG tube in (clearly) but they’ve stopped the feedings (starting the night before last). The past couple of days I’ve been eating more food by mouth, though it’s been difficult because there aren’t very many things I can get down with the tube still in place. It hasn’t bothered me much though, thankfully - I asked them to give me the smallest one they could, which also happened to be made of polyurethane rather than the more common PVC, so it’s much less uncomfortable than the ones I’ve had before. I was hoping they’d discharge me with it still in place so I could transition easier to fully following a healthy meal plan, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen…

(some possibly triggering mention of food and gain/week, etc. below)

Inpatient

I’m so sorry for disappearing again. In the hospital - medical floor. Tube down my nose (the tape wasn’t sticking so they just piled it on and I’m waiting for them to redo it properly). I don’t know how long it’s going to be and it’s making me so anxious.

They just turned the lights off in the hallway (I’m on a floor with mostly elderly people I think). I’m thinking theyve forgotten about the tape (and the patch and the meds). My throat kills. Still not hooked up either.

I know I need to be here but it’s taking so much not to just break down right now. I hate hospitals. It’s so fucking lonely. My parents will be back tomorrow. I really really miss Holly too.

I fucking hate where this has led me. I want to go home. I am honestly so scared.

Started writing last night but was too exhausted to finish..

I’ve been meaning for what seems like forever to post some sort of an update. (This ended up being pretty long so I will not be offended if you don’t read it or don’t read the whole thing)…

Anonymous asked: ID KILL TO BE YOU. WHAT DO U EAT PER DAY? HOW DO U STAY SO THIN/GET SO THIN?

I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. You do not want to be me, you do not want to spend more time in treatment centers and hospitals and out, or feel like you’re going to die because you’ve depleted your electrolytes from purging so much, or see the looks of worry and fear and disappointment on the faces of the people you love most over and over and OVER. It’s hell, pure hell. I’d never wish this on anyone. Please don’t strive to be like this. It only gets worse, not better. There is no “happiness” at this weight and that weight. Please don’t do this to yourself, you will only regret it.

December Third.

I’m still here.